“Effective” Parenting: More than Behavioral Control


By Gavi Hoffnung, PhD

Being a parent is incredibly rewarding, but also tremendously demanding. Our office receives hundreds of phone calls each year from parents seeking guidance in how to better manage their children’s behaviors. Above all, they are striving to become “effective” parents: They want to be more successful in shaping their children’s perspectives and behaviors. Here are some of the ideas and approaches that we use to help them get back on their feet.

A clinical approach to parenting suggests that there are two main operations at play when parents interact with children: One is behavioral-management, and the other is the parent-child relationship. Behavioral management involves, well, management of children’s behavior. When in this “mode” we ask questions like How can I get my child’s behavior to be in line with family? How can I get my kid to school on time? What can I do to make sure that homework gets done, and that bedtime is adhered to? These are fundamentally important questions since parents who struggle with behavioral management often feel a lack of control. By contrast, the parent-child relationship involves creating a secure attachment with children, and a sense of closeness and bonding. When in this “mode” parents do what they can to draw close and stay close to their children, and create a sense of love and connection. This too is fundamentally important, both for parents and kids.

Effective parents are masters of both the parent-child relationship and behavioral management. Many parents are good at one, or the other, and some parents struggle with both. But what separates effective parents from the rest of the pack is that they know when, where, and how to shift into behavioral management mode, and relationship mode.

Most ineffective parents mistakenly feel that behavioral management is synonymous with shaping children’s perspectives and behaviors. After all, if we can get our children to listen and comply with the rules, we have a sense that we are educating them and in control. For this reason, in many cases with ineffective parents, behavioral management takes up the majority of parent-child interactions and gets the most attention. Think: Endless negotiations (even arguments) about bedtime, nagging about putting toys away, etc. But often, children who struggle to comply are missing out even more on their parent-child relationship. In many cases, children are clear about what they need to do – they just don’t care to listen to their parents because their relationship isn’t close enough.

For this reason, when we consult with parents about their children, the first step almost always involves guiding them through a protracted period of building a stronger parent-child relationship. We help parents to establish bonds by paying more attention to children, listening to their interests and needs while refraining from shaping their behavior, and just enjoying time together. Only after several weeks of re-building a firm and secure attachment do we consider shifting focus to behavioral management. This is because the relationship and connection parents have with children is a very powerful potential motivator to helping children stay within the lines.

So, it turns out that the first step in being effective as a parent is to show lots of love, attention, and affection. Once those are firmly in place, we can effect change through establishing limits and regaining a sense of control. The result of this is not only an easier time for parents but the greatest and most rewarding outcome of all: Raising kids who thrive.

Inspirational Message

The Way of Mastery is to break all the rules—but you have to know them perfectly before you can do this; otherwise you are not in a position to transcend them.

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I came to the Center for Anxiety for help in dealing with a family member who suffered from extreme anxiety. But I ended up getting a serious illness two months later and started having my own sessions. With the help of my therapist I got through my illness, learned to understand my habits that were making my major life stresses worse, learned to communicate better, taper my anger, and surprisingly I became more calmer even though my hardships in life worsened. Therapy is a lot of work and not easy, but nothing in life comes easy! I became a better and softer mom and (when I practice what I learned) and my kids and home are calmer and happier. I am still a work in progress and have more to work on, but I know I am on the right path. I wish I knew before how my communication style and anger were really impacting my life, how being softer you can accomplish way more then being harsh. I have been to other therapists in the past and I can hands down say that the Center for Anxiety’s approach is really effective. I have even referred a bunch of people to the Center and they have been really happy with the therapists and how much they really care for their patients.
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When I sought treatment at the Center for Anxiety, the clinic was is in its incipient stages. However, by the time I successfully finished treatment, the Center for Anxiety grew and flourished into a world-class treatment center, offering cutting-edge, evidence-based treatment to countless individuals. The continued success of the Center for Anxiety comes as no surprise to me, with a team that contains such highly skilled professionals who display clinical acumen, empathy, and compassion. When I first entered treatment I was concerned that therapy would be similar to the experiences with past psychologists: a seemingly bottomless pit with no reductions in my anxiety symptoms, but was so relieved when I started to feel less anxious after only a handful of sessions. My therapist created a treatment plan that was tailored exactly to my needs and taught me practical skills to help me work through my anxiety that I still use and practice to this very day.
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