Category: Parenting

Back to School

By Tonya Swartzendruber, MA

For many families, the fall represents a significant transition period. Returning to a school schedule can be daunting for kids and parents alike. Earlier bedtimes, packed morning routines, performance expectations, and more time away from parents are just a few changes kids face during the school year. A little planning can go a long way to help your family make this transition a smooth one.  Here are a few tips to consider:

Establish a school-like schedule gradually a week or two before the first day of school.

During the summer, many families relax bedtime, wake time, and meal schedules. Changing all of this at once on the first day of school can be a challenge. Try to gradually adjust sleep and wake times and bring more structure to the day 1-2 weeks before school starts. This can help the back-to-school transition feel more natural by the time Labor Day comes around.

 Address school-related anxieties with your child.

Even for kids that have already been in school for several years, the transition to a new grade can bring anxiety. Ask children about how they are feeling, listen carefully to any concerns they raise, and see if any can be addressed ahead of time. Normalize these concerns for your kids. Convey that transitions are hard for most people. At the same time, help them to refocus on what they are excited about in order to get into a positive space to face the challenges of school.

Involve kids in preparing for school.

This could be as simple as buying school supplies and new clothes together. The night before the first day of school, involve your kids in packing backpacks, lunches, choosing what to wear, and laying out their clothes. This will make the first morning of school much less hectic and stressful for everyone.

Convey excitement and confidence about this transition!

Kids are keen observers of their parents. They often take their cues from their parents to help them know how to feel about and prepare for new challenges. If you, as a parent are feeling anxious or uptight about any upcoming school challenges, find support and a place to talk about this with people other than your children. That way you can convey excitement and confidence about the new school year.

“Effective” Parenting: More than Behavioral Control

By Gavi Hoffnung, PhD

Being a parent is incredibly rewarding, but also tremendously demanding. Our office receives hundreds of phone calls each year from parents seeking guidance in how to better manage their children’s behaviors. Above all, they are striving to become “effective” parents: They want to be more successful in shaping their children’s perspectives and behaviors. Here are some of the ideas and approaches that we use to help them get back on their feet.

A clinical approach to parenting suggests that there are two main operations at play when parents interact with children: One is behavioral-management, and the other is the parent-child relationship. Behavioral management involves, well, management of children’s behavior. When in this “mode” we ask questions like How can I get my child’s behavior to be in line with family? How can I get my kid to school on time? What can I do to make sure that homework gets done, and that bedtime is adhered to? These are fundamentally important questions since parents who struggle with behavioral management often feel a lack of control. By contrast, the parent-child relationship involves creating a secure attachment with children, and a sense of closeness and bonding. When in this “mode” parents do what they can to draw close and stay close to their children, and create a sense of love and connection. This too is fundamentally important, both for parents and kids.

Effective parents are masters of both the parent-child relationship and behavioral management. Many parents are good at one, or the other, and some parents struggle with both. But what separates effective parents from the rest of the pack is that they know when, where, and how to shift into behavioral management mode, and relationship mode.

Most ineffective parents mistakenly feel that behavioral management is synonymous with shaping children’s perspectives and behaviors. After all, if we can get our children to listen and comply with the rules, we have a sense that we are educating them and in control. For this reason, in many cases with ineffective parents, behavioral management takes up the majority of parent-child interactions and gets the most attention. Think: Endless negotiations (even arguments) about bedtime, nagging about putting toys away, etc. But often, children who struggle to comply are missing out even more on their parent-child relationship. In many cases, children are clear about what they need to do – they just don’t care to listen to their parents because their relationship isn’t close enough.

For this reason, when we consult with parents about their children, the first step almost always involves guiding them through a protracted period of building a stronger parent-child relationship. We help parents to establish bonds by paying more attention to children, listening to their interests and needs while refraining from shaping their behavior, and just enjoying time together. Only after several weeks of re-building a firm and secure attachment do we consider shifting focus to behavioral management. This is because the relationship and connection parents have with children is a very powerful potential motivator to helping children stay within the lines.

So, it turns out that the first step in being effective as a parent is to show lots of love, attention, and affection. Once those are firmly in place, we can effect change through establishing limits and regaining a sense of control. The result of this is not only an easier time for parents but the greatest and most rewarding outcome of all: Raising kids who thrive.

9 Tips for a Productive School Year

by Yoni Sobin, PsyD

The beginning of the school year brings many challenges for children and parents alike. Perhaps most of all is the challenge of staying on top of all the tasks that need to get done! For some, staying productive may feel overwhelming, for others it may seem impossible – we stay on top of things for a few days, a week or two, maybe close to a month, yet eventually we find ourselves falling behind and overwhelmed once more. These tips can help make this coming school year your most productive one yet:

  1. Consistency

Humans work well with schedules. Wake up, brush teeth, eat, work, come home, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Performing a behavior consistently daily for a month is usually enough to set a habit. One great trick is to make sure you start the day with a consistent routine. For example, make your bed every morning. Starting every day with a small accomplishment sets you up to feel productive and ready to tackle the day’s challenges.

  1. Set one alarm (at most)

Alarms, especially multiple alarms, interfere with our circadian rhythm. So, at most set just one for the (actual) time you need to get up, and try not to snooze it. Even better, set a bedtime 7.5-8.5 hours before you need to get up, and let yourself wake up sans an alarm. If you get to bed on time and live somewhere with natural light in the mornings, let that be your alarm clock. By helping your body to learn to sleep when it’s dark and awaken when it’s light, you’ll maximize your productivity throughout each day.

  1. Delay morning phone/email use

This helps you to focus on priorities – getting kids out of the house, getting to work on time, and eating breakfast. It reduces your level of overall stress. Your most pressing needs in the morning are the immediate proximal stressors in your environment. Check the time, clean yourself up, and eat. Distal stressors can usually wait 20 minutes until you are more alert. No need to add stress the moment you wake up. Relatedly…

  1. Disable push notifications

Even when we quickly check a message notification without responding, it can take up to 10 minutes to reorient to another task. All that distracted time adds up throughout the day. Unless your job requires it, disable notifications for all social media, and any other distractions that are not essential to the day. Then, set aside time each day to allow yourself to govern your social media, instead of letting it govern you.

  1. Buy a planner / notebook

When were you last able to remember everything to do in one day without writing something down? Well, that’s because our brain is not designed to remember lists of tasks. Numerous studies have shown we can hold in mind a maximum of 7±2 units of information at a time. The solution is to get something simple;a weekly planner with a monthly page for long term planning should suffice. Use only one planner and stick to it, and get into the habit (see item 1) of looking at that planner several times daily and adding to it ANYTHING that needs doing. A task that is not completed must carry over to the next day.

  1. One planner only

One planner means one place to look and find out what you need to accomplish. With Google, Outlook, Slack, sticky notes, and more, we get overwhelmed trying to keep it all together. Consolidate everything in one place. Studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of a handwritten planner over digital tasks. The simple aspect of writing down tasks makes you remember them better. Digital means distraction.

  1. Break it down

It helps to break tasks down into manageable pieces. Manageable goals leave you satisfied and accomplished; overly optimistic goals result in feeling overwhelmed and procrastination, furthering a cycle of feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and being unproductive. When you finish a task, cross it off the list, physically, and then smile J The act of removing it from the list and rejoicing in small accomplishments serves to reinforce further completion of tasks.

  1. Ask for help

Do not be afraid to ask for help. If you do not like asking for help from other people, get help from digital aides like StayFocusd and Boomerang for Gmail. StayFocusd lets you choose how much time you will let yourself spend on distraction websites; once you have hit that cap, the application will block further access to your distraction website. Boomerang for Gmail helps keep your inbox clean, allowing you to “boomerang” messages you do not need to deal with now, and schedule them to return days, hours, or even weeks later when they are more important or pressing. You can also schedule messages to send later, helpful for night owls or for dealing with something in advance you worry you might forget about.

  1. Batch tasks to be more productive

When planning your day, batch similar tasks together. For example, don’t make a phone call, then answer an email, then eat lunch, then deal with 2 other phone calls. Plan to make all 3 phone calls together, then deal with emails, then eat lunch as a reward. This will help you stay further focused.

Stress-free living may not be possible, especially in this ever-changing, ever-complicated era of history. But by employing these 9 tips you will certainly find yourself more productive and relaxed. Try it for a month…