Category: Wellbeing

The Science of Acceptance (and How to Get “Unstuck”)

By Aliza Dinerstein, LMSW

Throughout life, many of us experience periods of time when we find ourselves feeling stuck. We may feel stuck in an unfulfilling job, stuck in a conflict with a good friend, or even stuck in our own feelings of depression, panic, or fear. Understandably, our instinctual response is to try everything in our power to fight the reality as it is, in the hopes of rewriting the past and present according to the script of what we feel reality should be. Although on the surface this approach appears to be constructive, it is often the very act of not accepting the facts of reality which can cause us to become even more fastened to the problems that we are trying to rid ourselves of.

What is Acceptance?

Acceptance, the willingness to fully experience reality as it is, is a fundamental aspect of evidence-based psychotherapy. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a behaviorally oriented approach to psychotherapy that places emphasis on the combination of acceptance and behavioral change. Within the ACT framework, acceptance is considered the impetus of change in regards to our actions, thoughts, and feelings. Similarly, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) also focuses heavily on “radical acceptance” as a primary intervention for tolerating, decreasing suffering, and increasing our capacity for change.

Why is accepting reality so important?

When we reject reality we focus our energies on trying to change things that are beyond our control, which then causes us to feel stuck and helpless. Non-acceptance leads us to getting tangled up in our distressing thoughts and feelings, and we may notice ourselves trying to undo the past and control the future. Furthermore, refusal to accept our challenges causes us to avoid experiences of pain or fear, and before we know it we are no longer able to do the things that matter to us most. This concept is illustrated with the following metaphor (adapted from ACT): Imagine that you were blindfolded and placed in a large field, and you were given a small bag with some items to help you in the darkness. Unbeknownst to you, this very field was full of large holes, and soon after you began walking around the land you fall into a deep pit. You don’t know how to get out, so you take out your bag and find a shovel. You feel a sense of relief knowing that you have found the “perfect” tool, and you began to dig. However, as time passes, you realize that not only are you still in the hole, but it is actually much bigger. You continue to dig, even more fervently, but somehow the hole just continues to grow… Non-acceptance of reality may seem like the only tool we have, but it only creates the illusion that we are working towards solving our problem while we are actually just digging ourselves deeper into a hole.

How can I start to work on Acceptance?

Here are four steps you can take today:

  1. Accept with your whole self. Instead of just thinking, practice acceptance by engaging your heart and your body, as well as your mind. Use relaxation techniques (such as mindfully counting your breath), prayer, or go to a place that makes you feel calm while you think about the challenge of fully accepting reality for what it is.
  2. Use an acceptance (or self-acceptance) statement. Choose a phrase that helps you feel closer to accepting reality such as “this is what it is”  or “I accept myself as I am.”
  3. Fake it until you make it. List the things you would actually do if you were more accepting, and then act as if you have already accepted the unpleasant realities in your life. Choose one thing on the list and do it each day, even if you don’t feel motivated in the moment.
  4. Ride the wave. Allow sadness, disappointment, and/or grief to rise within you, while acknowledging that life can be worth living, even with pain. Often, after the emotions heighten they will naturally fall again, just like a wave.

Accepting reality is both a choice and a skill. The more we engage in the practices of acceptance we can build resilience to handle life’s challenges without getting “stuck,” and increase our capacity to not only tolerate difficulty but to grow through it as well.

Holiday Self-Care

By Laura Vraney, PsyD

While the Spring holiday season ushers in nicer weather and rays of optimism, there is no question that it also brings about anxiety. At times, we may become so distracted by the to-do list, both leading up to and during the holiday time that we forget to appreciate and enjoy the festivities. Additionally, other stressors often surface preventing us from enjoying the holidays; for instance, many celebrate the holiday with family members who are hypercritical; others are reminded of loved ones who have passed away, and some are navigating transitions that do not allow for certain family members to be present. Well, you are in luck! Whether the holidays are usually a joyous time or a stressful one (or both!), here are three self-care strategies you can utilize to ensure a more cheerful and relaxing holiday.

  1. First and foremost, acknowledge and validate your feelings with minimal self-judgment. You may have anxiety or stress or sadness or anger or other feelings. If you pretend to be “fine,” especially to yourself, then either you will repress your feelings only to “explode” at a later time OR your feelings may manifest in disguised ways, for instance, a loss of appetite or passive-aggressive behavior. Neither of those routes is productive. While it may feel selfish, you need to be kind to yourself. Rule of thumb – support your own emotions just how you would support a friend or loved one when they are feeling anxiety and/or stress.
  2. In order to feel a greater sense of control, here are some basic behavioral strategies you can implement. Write a list of everything that needs to get done in the days to come – spend as much time as you need getting everything organized. Prioritize in a daily planner your responsibilities based on the day, required preparation time, and deadlines. If you are someone who struggles with other aspects of the holidays (e.g., family gatherings), know your warning signs when feeling overwhelmed. These may include a shift in your mood, increased heart rate, or loss of appetite. Whether the former and/or later, give yourself permission to take 10-15 minutes alone to refresh. Find things that are self-soothing, such as journaling, listening to music, or stepping outside for a short walk. Also, please make sure you are eating well-balanced meals and getting adequate sleep both during the holidays and in general. We are more vulnerable to stress and anxiety when we are “emotionally eating,” skipping meals, and/or sleep deprived.
  3. Let us not forget why holidays are so special! Research has found that taking the time for gratitude can facilitate neurobiological changes that protect us from stress, anxiety, and depression. Especially when one is preoccupied with planning or overwhelmed by other holiday activities, it is not abnormal to be disconnected from the meaning of the holidays. So, give yourself the freedom and space to appreciate the good in your life over the holidays. A way to do this is by slowing yourself down to acknowledge three wonderful things in your life and contemplating them for a full 60-seconds each. Whether in a state of distress or not, there is no better time to appreciate and adopt an attitude of gratitude!

Mind’full’ Eating

By Talia Kaplan, PsyD

Mindfulness is the practice of living and being in the present. For people with anxiety, this is an especially important tool to use. It helps a person focus on what they are experiencing in the present moment rather than focus on everything that may happen in the future. While anxiety can make the world feel like a vast forest with unknown danger in every corner, mindfulness helps a person take one step and see whether there is danger on the single spot they occupy.

One of the best ways to practice mindfulness is through eating. We often eat so quickly or “mindlessly” that if anyone asked you what you ate five minutes ago you would be hard-pressed to answer.

We’ve all been there, it happens morning, afternoon and evening. In the morning you’re trying to get the kids out of the house while making sure you have your bag packed for work, so you take a bite of last night’s dessert as you’re running out the door and call it breakfast. During the afternoon you made sure to schedule a lunch break at work but you were called in for a last minute meeting so you try and scarf down your lunch in between your office and the conference room. Dinner may have started with the best intentions but you often find yourself watching the television as your bowl of soup disappears into your stomach.

So how do you eat mindfully? The answer lies in our five senses.

  1. Sight – look at the food you are eating. What do you notice about its appearance? Have you always noticed the bright colors of your fruit? What sticks out to you about the shape?
  2. Touch – What do you notice about the texture of your food? What does it feel like in your hand? What does it feel like in your mouth? Do you notice how the texture changes at different points in your mouth?
  3. Sound – As your chewing your food what sounds do you hear? Is there sound the food makes when you pick it up?
  4. Smell – Before putting the food in your mouth take a moment to smell it. What smells do you notice?
  5. Taste – Taste can be complex and different. Notice the various tastes you are experiencing. Channel your inner “foodie” as you pay attention to the hints of taste in your food.

Eating mindfully can help give a person an appreciation for the present in a way that they rarely experience. The powerful senses pull a person’s mind away from what MAY happen, to what IS happening right now.

While this may seem like a lot, it doesn’t have to be. A person can start out by just dedicating one minute of a meal to paying attention to their food. You may notice that a food you never liked actually has some very redeeming qualities. They may also notice that their favorite soda is actually too sweet for their taste. Either way, it can easily allow you to appreciate the moment you are living in, appreciate the food that is sustaining you, and slow down your life by just one bite.